I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
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Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.