The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
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Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
this post was so formative to me
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Yes, but it was never about money
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.