me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
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In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”