Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
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According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I am crying
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy