Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
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My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.