One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
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Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Sunday
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
reviewed some movies recently
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*