just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
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It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]