Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
when you are just born a rebel
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle