Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
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Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
That’s it.I’m out.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Finally a use for spoilers…
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.