can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
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Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.