A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
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We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.