You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
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Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
⛄️
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball: