HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
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People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.