Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
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the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.