Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
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[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
not seeing the problem
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”