My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
You Might Also Like
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Ugh