We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
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I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Ferrari squats
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.