Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
You Might Also Like
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
October already? What’s next? November????
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall