You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
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me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture