Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
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God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House