“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
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Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise