“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
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I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!