I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
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Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Strangers have the best candy.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing