Strangers have the best candy.
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Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
The devil.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it