Strangers have the best candy.
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“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.