Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
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It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
A woman drives into a bar.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
me as a parent
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*