Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
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Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?