Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
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Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*