Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
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If I ignore life will it go away?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no