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literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
He’s cranky this morning
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.