[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
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[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Would you wear it?
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”