7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
i made a craigslist ad !
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
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McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?