My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
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The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”