Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
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[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.