*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
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A dead goose is called a ghoost
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..