I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
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Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I’m not average. I’m mean.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]