I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
You Might Also Like
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.