Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
You Might Also Like
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.