Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
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My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED