bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Spring of Deception
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators