i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
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FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Optional boss fight.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.