It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
You Might Also Like
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens