Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
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So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed