Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.