@SlabBaconBP

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

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@frankzulla

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

@BradBroaddus

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

@mjkspeaks

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

@TheTweetOfGod

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

@dumbbeezie

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

@RedheadChaos

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

@squirrel74wkgn

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

@calluptome

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

@Hect0rMayorga

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

@AlanFelyk

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.