As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

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How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same


My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”


[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.


The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.


Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name


Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand


I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.


Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.


They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”


Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.