As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
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perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that鈥檚 literally trying to beat rock with scissors
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
If you鈥檙e thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That鈥檚 Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Breaking news:
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We鈥檙e in this together, folks
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
New Tinder profile.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Whoa 馃槀
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
This is how techno is made if you didn鈥檛 already know
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Lucky old June.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
no one ever comes back
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.