As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
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Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.