@frankzulla How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
@SlabBaconBP As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
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@frankzulla 
@BradBroaddus My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
@mjkspeaks [Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
@TheTweetOfGod The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
@dumbbeezie Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
@RedheadChaos Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
@squirrel74wkgn I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
@calluptome Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
@Hect0rMayorga They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
@AlanFelyk Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.