As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
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Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
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A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?