“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite