I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
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[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.