being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
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*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.