[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
You Might Also Like
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now