My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
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The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?