Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
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Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I triple waxed for this?
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My favorite female superhero
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.