“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
You Might Also Like
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
If a snake ate a cake
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Its a hippotatomus
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I have no passwords left in me
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.