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me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
An odd boast
Had to try this trend 😊
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question