I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
You Might Also Like
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.